@IamEnidColeslaw: I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
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@joejwest: COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus? ME: No COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier ME: Thanks COP: Why is it wet? ME: Um COP: And holding 8 guns?
@CVTBaby: It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I'm back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
@lawblob: son let me tell you about the birds and the bees... I left a window opened and they flew in and now I'm scared to go in that room