I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
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Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
My work here is don’t.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
this is how life feels
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I saw nothing
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!