Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please