[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
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Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*