@yoyoha: I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.
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@eminmien: WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you. ME: Thanks. WAITRESS: [to my date] He's not ready for anything serious right now.
@KeetPotato: interviewer: "so what makes you think you'd be good at checking tickets at our cinema?" me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
@oakhillbargrill: If you are trading Cephalopods, it's important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value. You know.... Squid Pro Quo
@tinatbh: All my friends look like a Victoria's Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake