@yoyoha: I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.
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@ninjabaconpizza: My wife saw someone kill horses in Minecraft and she is making me build a Minecraft memorial for dead Minecraft animals.
@bullfrog_1979: Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
@hipchkk: Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children's piano recital.
@cool_as_heck: Me: smells like upyou'refreetogo in here. Cop: what's upyou'refreetogo? Me: *finger guns* catch ya later Cop: aww damn lol got me again