@JennyJohnsonHi5: I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
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@rachelle_mandik: [millipede preschool] head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes...
@BrokenPalabras: Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum. Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
@zachreinert03: My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant
@jwoodham: Don't let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It's 100% true, but it's more fun if it's a surprise.