I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine