I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
had to share :’)
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap