@causticbob: I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
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@MrJeberling: -Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated. -Well whoever did this must be pretty....crafty. -Go to hell sir.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
@MatCro: [Starbucks Assassins Inc] CHIEF: Write this down. Target's name is John BARISTA: [writes] Jamie C: Ok. Memorise it B: [eyes shut] Janet
@GrantTanaka: Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.