Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
lmfao come on
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what