@causticbob: I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
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@HeyZeus666: My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning. But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
@k_lli: It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
@edgarrants: My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter... Now I'm lucky if she buys cereal.