I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
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he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Body by sandwich.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.