I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
This could be us but you eatin’
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.