I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
this is literally a CIA plant
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.