@Carter_TCB: I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would've been a lot more interesting.
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@PJTLynch: How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
@mattZillaaaa: "911, what is your emergency?" Yes I can't hear my television "Sir, this is not an emer-" Someone keeps screaming "HELP ME!!" next door
@mjkspeaks: [hours after first date] HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy. *i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
@TheGladStork: When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.