@Carter_TCB: I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would've been a lot more interesting.
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@murrman5: [wife calls] did you write "make all the traps from home alone" on the calendar [me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] "no"
@Steelers1972: Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
@bigmacher: Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would've pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
@XLToast: No son, you can't go out with your friends. Tonight we're installing Windows Updates, as a family.