@Carter_TCB: I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would've been a lot more interesting.
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@trumpetcake: Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
@jergarl: I've been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it's my time to go. I'm already up to like 3 bucks.
@hazelmotes1: Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.
@AimeeHelene1: *goes in fridge; makes sandwich* *grabs beer* *sits on couch; turns on TV* Him: Ma'am, this is an open house Me: I need the full experience