I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
This made me chuckle cuz mood