I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
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My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Poetry is my passion
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.