@ispypanda: I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.
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@ClaytonSykes: Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn't already know that.
@DannyZuker: My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn't seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
@eddiesteadyno: Thank you for clarifying that you'd bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
@handsock_butts: Me: I didn't get anything this year. Do you think Santa's magic...is running out? Wife: Santa isn't real Me: Don't lie to save my feelings