My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
the noise i just made
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.