The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
huge if true: the moon
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok