My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
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Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.