I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup