I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
You Might Also Like
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
tinder is all about the long game
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this