I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
can’t catch a break
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I’m too immature for adultery.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
There’s only one good girl here!