@farahfergie: I bet "jerk chicken" is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
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@QwertyJones3: [Safari] "Remember, when you're near water beware of wild hippos." Don't worry, I'm prepared for that. *shows handful of white marbles*
@mattZillaaaa: My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@Sean_Burgundy_: Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ... Me: Tell my gf my phone password? LS: Break every bone in your body M: Oh. Yeah that's fine