I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I ate everything, including the H.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet