@SortaBad: I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
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@internetluke: [talking to bouncer] Me:let me in Bouncer: not after last time Me:would a Washington convince you? Bouncer: no George Washington: c'mon man
@thentherewasmo: Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it's going to be stuck that way forever
@SharkJelly: [At Adele Concert] Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
@SortaBad: Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn't want someone to hack in and...pay my insurance bill