‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?