@EugeneMirman: I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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@MythicPicnic: Bought a new exercise program Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort So I did
@That_Damn_Duck: How I wear a scarf: 1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder 2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it. 3. Repeat
@GreenishDuck: Text your dad "egg salad sandwich" four times in one day. He'll probably think his phone is broken.
@Ygrene: "Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom" the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth