@EugeneMirman: I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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@_NinJar: A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
@melibuff: Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently 'hard' 'classic' and 'punk' AREN'T the 3 different types of rock. Who knew.
@AndyAsAdjective: "how'd your football team football today?" those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin'
@chelliet22: I start conversations with my children by saying "Listen to me," to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.