I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
You Might Also Like
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?