@EugeneMirman: I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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@SCbchbum: Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
@fightforfood: Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, "well, that got racist pretty fast" and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
@Brampersandon_: "Sir u have a hernia" "Haha c'mon doc don't u mean a HISnea?" "No I meant hern-" "Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?"
@zoevsuniverse: 4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant. I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said: "I never want to do that again."