If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother