I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.