@markydoodoo: I bet my doctor wasn't expecting to say "Sir, that is not a toy" so many times today.
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@AlexvanBeek: EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
@EndhooS: [Commercial for babies] *100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk* "There's got to be a better way"
@AndRyanTF: I'm not high! - high people I'm not drunk! - drunk people I'm not lying! - lying people I'm not gay! - my brother
@FrazzleMyGimp: GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant? ME: Leave that to me. [later, at dinner] HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack. ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s ;) having a heart attack ;)