I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.