I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
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HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏