I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
😅😅😅
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.