I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement