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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.