[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
You Might Also Like
A horror film, but it鈥檚 just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he鈥檚 peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
How about a bird that ruins people鈥檚 lives
-God creating roosters
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn鈥檛 know either.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle鈥檚 funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can鈥檛 make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I鈥檝e already told you everything you need to know
The little toadstool has spoken.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i鈥檓 feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I鈥檝e thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they鈥檙e just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Love this one 馃槀馃
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Cr猫me egg filling.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won鈥檛 fit in the toaster
[after meditating]: I鈥檓 still angry, but in a calmer way
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let鈥檚 go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I think I鈥檒l stand
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..