apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Still cracks me up
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.