I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
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To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
catch me on valentine’s day like
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.