@Smethanie: I bet Ryan Gosling doesn't even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
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@LeahsLounge: Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver.
@INDlAN_: When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
@electrolemon: "let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars" - cops