I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Name this drama.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits