I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
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The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
just got my engagement photos
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Ha
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet