@JulieSnark: I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
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@Dawn_M_: Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
@3sunzzz: Airport security doesn't let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, "It's okay, I'm just a harmless alcoholic."
@flashember: Think you know guilt? *takes long drag on cigarette* I'm the wildebeest who killed Mufasa. *exhales* I hear Simba's screams every night.
@noog: Jesus: Behold my powers. *walks onto water and falls in* [back in heaven] God: HAHAHAHAHA Angel: HAHAHAHA "behold my powers" God: HAHAHAHA