I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield