I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
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[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.