I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
😏😏😏
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.