@capricecrane: I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?
@TheMichaelRock: *wife notices the books all over the floor* FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S NO SECRET PASSAGE!
@snowmedia: My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says"Daddy, you did it!" If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she'll flip out.
@delusionaliam: "Hey! check out my new ink" *removes shirt, stands naked* "Dude!, I don't see anything" "It's invisible ink"