judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
You Might Also Like
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars