I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You Might Also Like
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.