I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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If you had more money you’d be happier.
who will stop them
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.