I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
the only bumper sticker ill allow
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
🤣could you imagine
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.