I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture