I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.