Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
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Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?