I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”