I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
This is amazing.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I have never related to anyone more.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.