I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
You Might Also Like
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Ah..makes sense now
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.