IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
You Might Also Like
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind