PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
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Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?